So, third entry in three days. I'm on a rapid pace! If only I had time to do this during the normal school year. Anyway, on to more matters of myself, just in case you're not bored enough already. (On a related note, I'm thinking of making a vocal recording of my blog posts, and using them for profit. I mean, this stuff would be PERFECT for curing insomniacs!)
Sometimes, I feel like a weird paradox. I'm both one thing, and another entirely. I feel stupid at school and with some of my friends; appear to be the brainy nerd when I'm with others. For example, while hanging out with some friends, we were joking about how stuffed animals would reproduce, due to the fact that they're...yeah. I was going to suggest asexual reproduction, such as mitosis. I said osmosis. Was I sure holding the idiot ball that day!* In fact, I don't hold the idiot ball; it seems I wear it. Sort of like idiot pants, I guess. It's not so much that I occasionally drop the idiot ball; I just occasionally forget my idiot pants, and make it through the day with some semblance of intelligence. As soon as I realize I wasn't an idiot for a day, I know why. And, I soon end up accidentally re-dressing myself into my idiot pants, thus resetting the status quo. Oh, of note, the idiot pants have nothing to do with my actual pants. In fact, I'm usually wearing pants when I've forgotten the idiot pants. On the flipside, hearing Bizarre Love Triangle does not instantly make me smarter. But, you more or less get the point.
Anyway, paradoxes! Right! Another is that, sometimes, I feel like an unfortunate paradox between being too open, and not open enough. I trust my friends quite a bit; with many of them, I'm quite open, willing to talk about matters that some would consider too personal to reveal. Of course, there are things that I hold "close to the vest" so to speak, things that I've never really revealed. I mean, I'm perfectly alright in sketchy/hilarious conversation with my friends, but when it comes to "liking" people, my openness suddenly changes. I mean, even mentioning it to friends who don't know the person has been something I've only found myself able to do recently; revealing it to friends of the person being even harder; and I've only been able to bring myself to tell the actual person once. I'd very much like to be able to; I think my greatest fear is, well, me. It's like how I pointed out that I honestly don't think I'm awesome. I just find it hard to believe, sometimes, that people could see anything in me, before or after me revealing things like that to them. Of course, that's me being too closed off; on the other hand, I've probably made some mistakes in the past about being too open. Overall, in the cases where I've revealed feelings to people, be it the person proper or someone otherwise, I can't think of a case where I regret it. However, I've always had a bit of a tendency to second guess myself. Thus, I'll have times where I look back, and begin to over-analyze what I've said. "Should I have said that? I shouldn't have. Great, now I've done it!", thoughts like that. It's never going to help, but I've never been able to stop those feelings of over-openness.
So, there you have it. I'm not just boring, I'm a boring, and contradictory! Isn't this blogging stuff fun? :D
*-This is a reference to the trope page "Idiot Ball", of TVtropes fame. Now, this link, while completely safe for work, is EXTREMELY non-productivity safe. If you're the kind who is easily addicted to browsing/editing wikis, this site will suck up all your spare time, and then some. Here be wiki-dragons.
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